11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
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What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
This was the best day of my life
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
do horses think humans are hats
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.