Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
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He’s dead
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers