Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
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coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google