[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
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I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.