When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
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Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Lol
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.