My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
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When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
who wore it better?
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
My dress code is business-casualty.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.