I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
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Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
oh you wanna fight?!
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it鈥檚 垄75.
Guess that鈥檚 the cost of inflation.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Where鈥檚 the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
You鈥檙e going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Laughing far too much 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I鈥檇 love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i鈥檓 selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 馃様
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180掳]
I was hungry
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
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