My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
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My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
🤣✨#caturday
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.