“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
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Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Room with a view.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.