“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
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Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”