got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
You Might Also Like
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
When I play the kazoo, I play to win