A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
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I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.