Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
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[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
new career option?
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?