excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
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Kentucky names the shit out of places
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
somebody come look at this
Every house has this drawer
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
😂😂😂😂😂😂