[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
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The 6 types of sex
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Any refunds available?…