Me checking my bank balance online.
You Might Also Like
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
marvel comics have peaked
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.