When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
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“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.