Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
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To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
sliding into dms like
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Driving in Europe vs Canada
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy