Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
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I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.