It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
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Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
this is funnier than any friends episode
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
definitely did not do anything wrong
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig