Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
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I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower