me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be