And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
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[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Happy birthday to all the women
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”