#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
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“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I may be small, but so is a grenade.