I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
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ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.