“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
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Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My current situation
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.