Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
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If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.