[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
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3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.