Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
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7:
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7:
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7:
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7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
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I’m crying im so happy for them
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Does your wife know you’re single?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?