[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
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I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
peak technology
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.