It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
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If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it