Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
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heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit