I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
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“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Social Media and Real life
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six