I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
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I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.