When you pick your nose after dusting the house
You Might Also Like
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
*ernest hemingway voice*
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”