it’s finally my moment to shine
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I’ve watched this 17,467 times
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
there’s probably a fee though
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera