[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
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There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
How dramatic are you?
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
It’s actually Dr. whatever