I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
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5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.