Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
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Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.