My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
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Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”