Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
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Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach