Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
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I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Cheer up.