Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
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“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.