My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
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Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.