My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
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This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?