I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
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date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”