Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
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Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks