Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
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In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Google Pay be like:
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*