7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
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(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
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A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen