Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
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Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
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Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too